I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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