I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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