My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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