I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
