i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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