god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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