fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
