So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Randomize
