That's when you crack a 10am beer
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
In America we eat man semen.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
