News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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