Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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