just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
