I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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