I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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