i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
