Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
