I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
