Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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