if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
