i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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