I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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