oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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