Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
