I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
