I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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