I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
