Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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