The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
