"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
