So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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