It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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