Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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