so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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