i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
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