I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
