Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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