i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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