there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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