she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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