i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
