I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You made out with two different species that night
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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