your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
