soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
