sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
