I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
