just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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