rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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