did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
