You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
