You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Randomize
