uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
