I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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